My Inner Light Will Not Fade Away

The family recently had a quick trip up Central Coast and as usual we had some photos taken. And as usual, I shared some of the photos on my FB account. A US-based friend commented on how good the family looked and how happy I looked. I was surprised with the comment because as some of you know, I have been through the worst the past couple of months. I told my friend that I had my share of downs and despite the ugly ending of 2014,  I just chose to dwell on the more important things, I just chose and I choose to be happy.

I am still healing. I suddenly found myself trying to fill up a vacuum. Now, I have plenty of time. Not that I'm complaining but the "extra" time I have now is not in any way helping because I end up going back to what I had to go through towards the end of the year.

How do you even start forgetting people, people whom you looked up to and respected so much, after they have done a very awful and unprofessional thing towards you? How do you even start trusting them again and all the words that come out from their mouths when I have proven myself on how easy it is for them to lie? This last ordeal was not easy for me.  It shook my confidence. It shook my faith towards people. I can't believe that in this day and age there are still people who choose to add to the evil and problems in our society. The ironic thing is, we're supposed to be practising our faith and our beliefs!  I actually thought people like these only exist in TV dramas. It was too late when I realised that I trusted the wrong people. People took advantage of me. People used me.

The advent season became a spiritual journey for me. I was just thankful that I was able to feel His grace by attending the nine-day novena dawn masses in our Parish leading to Christmas. It wasn't easy waking up on the busiest season of the year. But the sacrifice and discipline alone have helped me heal. I looked forward going to church and starting my day that way. For in each reading, each homily, each song -- they all spoke to me. They told me and guided me on how I should handle the whole thing. I could have made a big deal out of this painful experience. I could have put them out in the open, shame them for the very bad thing they did. Destroyed their reputation and their name. BUT, I chose to do otherwise. Each major character in the Gospel taught me lessons. I held on to my faith and like the previous storms I have weathered, my faith have allowed me to go through with it, strong. People who know the real truth have always commended on how strong I was, still managing to do my responsibilities and meet with these people like nothing ever happened. It wasn't easy. There were days I broke down and just cried my heart out. With God's help I was able to make it to the finish line. I walked away that day with my INTEGRITY and VALUES intact and my head held high.

I'm on way towards healing, but with the forgetting part? That's another story. I don't even want to go to Karma. I moved on because I chose to. I moved on because at the end of the day, these people are the ones who do not matter to me. At the end of the day, I get to sleep with  a clean conscience and with a peaceful heart. After everything that have been said and done, my family is healthy, my family is happy, I have my hubby, I have my two beautiful kids. My family, they matter to me more than anyone else in the world. They are the source of my true joy, the joy that radiates from within me.

Good things are coming my way.

"Cause there's, 
There's a light in me
That shines brightly,
They can try, 
But they can't take that away from me
From me"

** Photos taken from Pinterest.

Of Wishes, Hopes and Dreams

This was taken during my 3rd birthday. I actually don't know what I wished as I blew out my birthday candles, but at this point in my life, I feel that all wishes already came true.

There were some humps and bumps, heartaches and wrong turns. Looking back, I now see that it was all part of God's grand plan for me. I am what I am today and I appreciate everything that I have today because of all of those. 

I often hear this phrase from people as they celebrate life's blessings: 

"I think I did something good in my life to deserve this." 

I beg to differ. 

I have what I have now not because I did something good in my life but simply because

 God our Father is a very loving, generous and awesome God! 

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

As I celebrate another year, I look back and give thanks to a year that was. 

Over the years, wishes have lessened, 

but the "thank yous" have definitely increased. 

I wish. I hope. I dream.

I pray. I claim.

I am thankful. I am grateful. 

What is Your Purpose?

Two weeks ago I had the chance to do an on-line retreat in preparation for the feast of St. Mary of the Cross Mackillop (Australia's first saint). The theme for day one was The Potter God.  We used the material in one of our HHPMs and it allowed me to ponder more on the message of that session.

I found myself asking these questions:

First, have I already achieved my purpose in life? I am now a mother and a wife -- two of the biggest dreams I had which were given to me with God's grace. Is this my purpose? Which actually led me to my next question: if this is not yet my purpose, then what else does God want me to do? What is His purpose for me? Is being a mother, a wife and a teacher only a part of His bigger plan?

Have you asked the same question to yourself? I am pretty sure, like me, you are also at peace and happily contented with what you have now, but have you ever thought of, what if God wants to still use you in a different way?

It has been two weeks since I have asked those questions to myself and I have found myself not even being close to answering it. I know it will take rime. I need His grace and wisdom for me to find out. As for now, I am continuously asking and seeking His will during my me-times and quiet moments. May He soon lead me to the answers. May He soon lead me to where He wants me to be.

What about you, do you know what your purpose is?

My Cup Oveflows

Today, like the previous days was another gift. Both kids are under the weather. Before, I always dreaded the time when they are both sick. But today was different. I am thankful they got sick because it paved the way for other blessings to come in. It was what I focused on more. Maybe that is the reason why I don't feel exhausted or grumpy even if I spent the whole day being a doctor and nurse to them.

The past couple of weeks have been really challenging for me, juggling my time with full-time work, work at home, studies and service. It's been chaotic alright, but I have never been at peace, have never been contented.

Everyday, after I drop off Kuya at my brother's home (my parents are currently bringing and fetching him from school), we get to pass this high spot. From there, you can see the mountains over the horizon. I am at awe. It's a special moment I look forward to seeing and feeling every morning. It is a reminder and it is at that point where I always feel so thankful. That moment when I marvel at the view, I feel God's presence. The things that I am thankful for all come rushing into my mind.

First, I'm thankful I'm alive and get to spend another day with my kids and Alvin. I'm thankful for them and how we get to show our love for each other everyday. I'm thankful, hubby and I are continuously learning from the challenges that face us, making us stronger and closer. I'm thankful that Alvin is also growing in his faith everyday.

I'm thankful for the beautiful prayers of my children in the morning when we start our day. They pray not only for themselves and their wants, but they pray for other people. I almost cried when they prayed for the kids affected by the war in the Middle East and the victims of MH17.

I'm thankful for the challenges that are making me more mature. I am still in the process of growing up, but I think I have again improved when it comes to choosing my battles.

I'm thankful for the clean air that we get to enjoy that allows me to marvel at that beautiful creation which are kilometers away from where we are! I'm thankful for the clear blue skies we have here!

I'm thankful for the safe and peaceful country my kids are growing up.

I'm thankful for the inconveniences that I meet everyday.

The last couple of weeks may be very tiring, physically exhausting for my part, but it has allowed me to appreciate more the things around me, whether big or small. I may be dealing with sick kids (like now) or a problem over at work or my on-line studies or my accreditation, thinking of how to finish off all my back log of duties at home -- but with God's grace I have now come to that state that I know all these shall pass and I need not stress or worry about it.

My cups overflows with thanksgiving.

Friendships in the Future

Admittedly, one of the reasons why migrating became difficult at the beginning was because of the simple fact that we left a lot of established friendships back home.

I found myself getting homesick especially during the times I wanted to rant, ask advice or share joyful stories to my friends. I missed laughing my heart out tears came out from my eyes.

It took me sometime to realise that I needed to move on. I found myself guarding and protecting my old friendships in favor of the newer ones. I have been here for almost five years and in that span of time I have been actually weighing down those people I have met and was checking which among those newly formed friendships I can nurture and keep. Sadly some "bad" points always come up. I'm not saying I'm perfect but I wanted to cultivate friendships that will bring out the best in me, influence me to become positive and inspire me. People who can teach me. People who can share and not just take every time. People who can help us raise our kids. People who can support us and see us as is, no competitions. Actually, the last one is the biggest turn off for me. Being migrants you can't help but sense if one is trying to compete of what you have and what your family can get especially during the sharing of stories. Ayaw papatalo. People who only know you when they have a dilemma or when they need something (yes I know friends should be people whom you can always count on, pero nakakainis when you see them with their other friends pag happy sila or my celebrations sila, pero nada sa iyo unless they are asking for a favor).

Last Christmas, I found myself slowly forming the very short list. It actually included cleaning my FB list too. I removed from my FB friends those people who only radiate negative energy. Those people I can actually say, "walang akong paki at walang paki sa akin/amin."  Those people who think they are the best, the grammar geniuses (just because they are well-read and are English teachers! yun na! lol)

Seeing a lot of reunion pictures being posted in FB actually inspired me to start acting now. Most of my co-migrants have already started forming friendships and my fear is that by the time I'm ready, I might end up not having any. I am particularly happy to see these group of friends based here, they have long known each other for 10+ years. I guess they have seen each other's family grow and the kids too. In that span of 10+ years you can see that they have established their yearly traditions. Every year, especially during the Christmas season, one family hosts the gathering. Umiikot sila ng bahay which I think is good. This year they had themed parties during their birthdays. Everyone was in even the dads! No killjoys! I can't really say I'm ready for costumes, and so is Papa A, but the camaraderie and joy radiates from the smiles on their faces.

This year started with me and Alvin getting invited to one of our good friends' home here in Sydney and it felt good! It was so relaxing and the stories just kept coming up. We actually felt we needed to do that more often.

I actually am not comfortable in big groups. I may be super talkative, but believe it or not when it's a big group and I really don't know personally each one of them (ex. fb friends lang kami) I have the tendency to be quiet. I am not comfortable sharing my stories with them. I will be super talkative if it's an intimate gathering of friends. For this big reason alone, I plan and I'm praying that this year, I will be successful in cultivating the "small" friendships I have now on my very short list and hopefully in years' time, I will be a much happier and a more positive person because of them.

P.S. Me cultivating and nurturing these newly formed friendships doesn't really mean I'm letting go of the ones I have back home. I guess you understand when I say it's been too long already and I need to move on. I'm sure they have. But we know deep in our hearts that the friendship is there and we have each other's back. I guess this is all part of growing up :-)

My Second Parents

How's your relationship with your in-laws? Hmmm, sensitive topic? I can't blame you. Time and again we have seen how society tried to show in different ways the love-hate relationship between in-laws. John and Marsha is one classic example, right? 

I was not spared from this too! Growing up, I saw how conflicts can arise between my Grandma and my Papa. When hubby and I got married, as soon as we got back from our honeymoon, we immediately stayed in a rented condo unit. So even if we have been bf-gf for five years before we tied the knot, there was no opportunity for me and my parents-in-law to really bond and get to know each other. (Five years is quite long you say not to know each other, right? Yes, but it is still different is you stay UNDER ONE ROOF everyday!). 

 The first time we really had to live under one roof was three years ago. Alvin and I asked them if they can come over to help us out at home as I was about to give birth to Sam. It was also an opportunity for them to have an out-of-the country trip and visit Australia the first time. My being OC and my being pregnant was a bad combination! To make things worse, we were all first timers! First timers to be together under one roof for six looooooong months!!!! I can only laugh and feel embarrased as I look back. Yes, it wasn't a bed of roses. I was always annoyed and I always had something to say! I got irritated with them so easily with the smallest error or boo boo they make. I got angry when they don't do it my way. Yes, I was a big pain in the neck! Surprisingly, we didn't have any confrontations or big fights. That, I give credit to them. Before they left Sydney, I apologised for being a B**** at times. Honestly, I wasn't proud of myself. Inside, I wanted our relationship to work and not end up like that of my grandma and my Papa. 

Fast forward to 2013. Learning from our previous encounter, we were both ready to be more patient, understanding and loving toward one another. I was also thankful that I had a full-time job because I felt it was an opportunity for me not to focus on the small things they might do that might irritate me. Months before they arrived, I was praying for myself! Yes, I did! Looking back I guess it worked, big time! 

My friend Vera, knowing the history of my in-laws' first visit did ask how I was doing after a few days since arriving in Sydney. I told her I actually didn't know and I think I have mellowed. I was still not sure then since I was out most of the time due to work. After almost three months, I can safely say, I have indeed mellowed. This time around, I saw and got to appreciate my in-laws, big time! Working full time for two months was no big joke! I had to leave early for school and get home a bit late. It would have been a disaster if they were not around while I worked everyday. I had two extra pairs of hands to help me out in my duties at home including taking care of the kids.I am thankful that they were there to listen to my stories about work especially during the times I had to address two major concerns at work. They were my listening ears and my shock absorbers! 

This time around, we bonded. We shared stories. It melted my heart to hear their stories when they were just starting their family. We exchanged our views about different things and we shopped together. This time around, I made sure to focus on the positives than the negatives. Oh, I still get irritated when our personalities and practices clash, but I have decided to choose my battles. In the end I think, it did pay off :-)

 I will not take all the credit...not even half of it. I guess I've been blessed to have very good and down-to-earth in-laws. I now know where hubby got his innate goodness (kabaitan). They are not the type who are "matampuhin" or "madrama" kapag nasungitan mo na. You can be vocal about what you like and what you don't like without them having a grudge on you. Hindi nagtatanim ng sama ng loob. As for my mother-in-law? She knows that there should only be one Queen in each home and she knows that it's me! She is not a demanding mother. She does not try to grab the spotlight or her son away from me or the kids. She knows her place and she proved it through her actions. I know, I should be thankful. 

 This morning when we were praying over them before their flight back to Manila, I can't help but cry. Alvin was even blaming me why he started crying too! Becoming a parent makes you realise a lot of things. Seeing their child pray over them and seeing them enjoy the things their son was able to give them melted my heart. Seeing your offspring successful and contented with his life is I guess the best reward any parent can have. I just can't help but think about my own kids...when they have their own families and kids. I want to be like my parents and my in-laws. I want to enjoy my retirement, I want to enjoy my grandkids, I want to enjoy the labour of love I have put in raising my kids -- not really financially, but the joy, contententment and the respect. I want to feel all of those when I am already old and grey. I can't have that if what I sow in them is hatred or anger to my in-laws. My kids will see, my kids will feel, my kids might think that it's the right thing. I believe in karma. Baka pagnagsungit or binastos ko ang in-laws ko, balang araw baka makatagpo ako ng manugang na gawin din sa akin yun. 

Like in so many other times, I am thankful for the opportunity to realise all of these things. I am thankful for the opportunity to learn from this part of my journey. I am thankful for the opportunity I had to be closer to my in-laws.

 I miss them already! 

 Yes, I have learned to love my in-laws :-)

Financial Harmony

It's Friday and I'm blogging! Hurrah!!!!!

I have so many things to write, there are so many things I want to write but for this entry, I will only be focusing on what hubby and I learnt just last weekend.

For starters, the tension between us has been building up the last two months when it came to my "need" to travel. It's a very long story and it would take ages for me to finish writing about it but to make the long story short, I was starting to get frustrated and annoyed because he just can't seem to understand where I am coming from. I am thankful I was able to let go off some steam when I had a chat with one of my friends, who like me, enjoys travelling. She gave some inputs but listening alone to my rants was more than enough. Among the things we both agreed on was for me to pray about it. And I did.

No, I did not pray that hubby would change his mind and agree with all my crazy plans...but I prayed for myself and for the ill feelings I was starting to have inside me. I and my friend had the chat Saturday, Sunday morning I felt I was ready to submit to what hubby wants provided I tell him all the reasons why I would like to travel. I knew where hubby is coming from especially being that he is the head of the family but I did not understand his reasons. All I wanted was for him to see and accept all my reasons as valid. I wanted him to understand where I am coming from. But I still waited and continued to pray. The answer came the next day. I was surprised to receive the answer that soon! While browsing through my Instagram account, I chanced upon a reflection for couples entitled: Financial Harmony by Gary Chapman.

Boom!

I e-mailed it to hubby.

The following morning while preparing for work, we both discussed about it. Hubby said his piece and I said mine. I guess I was already emotionally prepared  to hear what he had to say unlike the past couple weeks where every time he tries to explain his side what I just heard were interpreted as being negative. Killjoy. Discussing about it was a big relief but the best part of it all? Hubby ended our conversation with: "Okay, let's meet halfway."

Now I have come to terms to holding and waiting for what I want with no ill feelings whatsoever. Even if we will still be travelling I am not pushing the idea unlike before. I haven't started planning and I don't plan to :-) As they say, good things come to those who wait.

Happy weekend everyone!