My Inner Light Will Not Fade Away

The family recently had a quick trip up Central Coast and as usual we had some photos taken. And as usual, I shared some of the photos on my FB account. A US-based friend commented on how good the family looked and how happy I looked. I was surprised with the comment because as some of you know, I have been through the worst the past couple of months. I told my friend that I had my share of downs and despite the ugly ending of 2014,  I just chose to dwell on the more important things, I just chose and I choose to be happy.

I am still healing. I suddenly found myself trying to fill up a vacuum. Now, I have plenty of time. Not that I'm complaining but the "extra" time I have now is not in any way helping because I end up going back to what I had to go through towards the end of the year.

How do you even start forgetting people, people whom you looked up to and respected so much, after they have done a very awful and unprofessional thing towards you? How do you even start trusting them again and all the words that come out from their mouths when I have proven myself on how easy it is for them to lie? This last ordeal was not easy for me.  It shook my confidence. It shook my faith towards people. I can't believe that in this day and age there are still people who choose to add to the evil and problems in our society. The ironic thing is, we're supposed to be practising our faith and our beliefs!  I actually thought people like these only exist in TV dramas. It was too late when I realised that I trusted the wrong people. People took advantage of me. People used me.

The advent season became a spiritual journey for me. I was just thankful that I was able to feel His grace by attending the nine-day novena dawn masses in our Parish leading to Christmas. It wasn't easy waking up on the busiest season of the year. But the sacrifice and discipline alone have helped me heal. I looked forward going to church and starting my day that way. For in each reading, each homily, each song -- they all spoke to me. They told me and guided me on how I should handle the whole thing. I could have made a big deal out of this painful experience. I could have put them out in the open, shame them for the very bad thing they did. Destroyed their reputation and their name. BUT, I chose to do otherwise. Each major character in the Gospel taught me lessons. I held on to my faith and like the previous storms I have weathered, my faith have allowed me to go through with it, strong. People who know the real truth have always commended on how strong I was, still managing to do my responsibilities and meet with these people like nothing ever happened. It wasn't easy. There were days I broke down and just cried my heart out. With God's help I was able to make it to the finish line. I walked away that day with my INTEGRITY and VALUES intact and my head held high.

I'm on way towards healing, but with the forgetting part? That's another story. I don't even want to go to Karma. I moved on because I chose to. I moved on because at the end of the day, these people are the ones who do not matter to me. At the end of the day, I get to sleep with  a clean conscience and with a peaceful heart. After everything that have been said and done, my family is healthy, my family is happy, I have my hubby, I have my two beautiful kids. My family, they matter to me more than anyone else in the world. They are the source of my true joy, the joy that radiates from within me.

Good things are coming my way.

"Cause there's, 
There's a light in me
That shines brightly,
They can try, 
But they can't take that away from me
From me"

** Photos taken from Pinterest.

A Greater Power

The last two weeks have been an emotional roller coaster ride for my family, especially the ones who are based in Manila.

I will not elaborate here but to make the long story short, it is one of the recent episodes of our family's telenovela (Which family does not have one?). Old wounds were opened. Madaming salita at banta na binitiwan na naman. Accusations were made. Service and our being christians were questioned. Hurt, mad and sad. Those are exactly the three words that can fully describe what probably my family, especially my parents felt when all these chaos were happening.

I was mad. I was mad at them. Ang sa akin lang, kami nga na 5 anak ng mga magulang namin never minura, binantaan or bingiyan ng malaking sakit ng ulo sila Papa at Mama, sila pa? We can counter each and every accusation they made at our family. We have a thousand and one proofs. We can engage in a word war with all of them. We can even think and wish bad things to happen to all of them. We can resort to being self-righteous. But no. We took everything...in silence.

All throughout those two weeks, we were in constant communication with our family in Manila. And in all of the exchange of emails to my parents, the only thing we kept on reminding each other especially my parents, hurting as they may seem, is to pray. Pray for them. Pray for ourselves. Pray for the situation.

I kept on reflecting the past couple of days on what His message is for us. The readings everyday really helped a lot. Like what I said earlier, we can fight, eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth...but we chose not to. I personally had to stop myself from thinking and wishing bad things to happen for them. If I catch myself slowly doing that I stop myself and pray. This I have to say: IT IS NOT EASY. I am but a human being. But by and by I'm getting the hang of it...only because of His grace. I realised that we survived, I survived those tempting times not by my own will and definitely NOT by my own doing...but by the grace of Someone greater. Someone more powerful. I needed that. It was only through that Greater Power that allowed me to convert my negative thoughts to more positive ones. To continue hoping for good things to happen.

I will not admit that I have forgotten everything that have just happened nor have I totally forgiven them. Malalim na ang sugat. I am still working on that. When all these dramas started I wished and hoped that something good will come out of this. I haven't fully realised it yet but I am still optimistic that soon, God will reveal all the answers to our "why's?" to my "why's?"

My family is still praying that in time there will be total healing and forgiveness in everyone involved. At this point it seems impossible. But who knows? With God nothing is impossible. After all, after everything that has been said and done, we are just living under His grace...may His will be done.