My Ninang Ta

Dear Ninang Ta,

It is with a heavy heart that I am writing this letter. Thinking about it, I think this has been long overdue.

I actually don't know where to start.

Thank you.

Thank you for all those times you helped Papa and Mama during the times that we didn't have any. I remember those days when Mama will tell us that she had to go to you to "sell" her jewelry so we can have money to spend. I remember as well how you "saved" me from paying for the costume I needed for my sixth grade Christmas concert and my graduation dress. How you sponsored my first JS prom gown -- thank you.

Thank you for making me one of your favourites. You might deny it or other people may question it, but I knew in my heart, that for a time, I was your favourite. You gave me the label "Miss Santos" among us cousins. I felt proud having that title. Thank you for being "soft" to me and for not being strict unlike how you disciplined my other cousins. I felt special, Ninang Ta.

Thank you too for those trips that we had to Quiapo church. I looked forward to Fridays because of those trips. Thank you for spoiling me in your own little way, buying beuatiful dresses in Central Market, nice pair shoes in SM Ermita or Isettan Recto. And how we will eat at 3M pizza after the 12noon mass at Quiapo or how we will eat Halo-halo after our shopping at Central Market.

Thank you for the "secret allowances" that you gave me especially after I receive an award. Thank you for those I was able to buy some fancy toys or school stuff at Tropical. Thank you for being both my Tita and my Ninang. I think I never had the chance to say thank you for really being like a second mother to me while I was growing up.

I can still remember how you tutored me after I got home from school. For teaching me how to draw a balloon and a cat. Thank you for always opening your doors for me and my family.

Sorry.

After we transferred houses our time together lessened. So was our Friday dates. You had a new favourite but I never really took it against you. But, sorry if I didn't make an extra effort to visit you especially when we were living away from one another.

Sorry if I forgot to say "Thank you" for every help that you did. For all the love and care you showed not only to me but for my family.

Sorry for not saying "sorry" during the times we might have hurt you. Or during the times you felt lonely and we failed to make you feel special.

Sorry if I didn't give you enough hugs or cuddles especially when you most needed it.

Sorry if after Lola Sabel died and you were left to your own, I failed to make you feel that even if you dont have a husband or children, that you have me, you have us, to take care of you.

Sorry if the only thing I could offer you during the early stages of your sickness was to sleep beside me on my bed and engage in simple conversations. Yes, I could have done more.

Sorry if I wasn't physically present to take care of you after I got married and  when your Alzheimer's took to a worst turn.

Sorry if the peaceful exit I know you would have wished for didn't happen.

Ninang Ta, I think I forgot to tell you that I love you. I'm sorry.

I pray.

I pray that now that He has ended your suffering, may you enjoy your new home. A home where there is no hatred. No fears. No anxieties. No pain.  No sickness like Alzheimer's.

I pray that your death will bring out something good especially for our family. I am still hoping that your death will be an instrument of peace and healing in our family. Miracles still happen.

I pray that you are now at peace.

I pray that you are now safely in the arms of Lolo Arturo and Lola Sabel.

Please pray for us, Ninang Ta.

I love you and I will miss you.

Love,

Your Jeana Pot

The Beauty in Death

Death.

It becomes so real when it comes to  take people who are dear to you. People who have been part of your journey.

But it is not all ugly.

There is beauty in death.

It teaches you lessons. It reminds you of the more important things. It makes you treasure the loved ones you have now. It makes you hold their hands tighter. Hug them longer. Tell them "I Love You" more often.

You try to live your life making the right choices. Choices that will really matter in the end.

Death.

A reminder that our life and the life of our loved-ones is really not forever.

Death.

Thank you Tito Nick, you have taught me to value my family better. To overlook weaknesses and selfishness. To choose to love and to be happy. To be strong and to choose to fight.

Thank you Raewen. You were taken too soon. I am still overwhelmed with your sudden loss.  You have taught me to value my children more. To overlook their imperfections. To overlook my tiredness. To choose to serve and to be more patient.

I know that you two are now in a much happier place.

Thank you for the lessons you have taught me.

Be at peace now, for you are now with HIM.

If You Had The Choice

Death is not something we can escape from. One way or another, we will reach the end of the road. But as they say, God only knows when and how.

The husband of our wedding godmother is presently battling Stage 2 Colon Cancer. Of course, I was saddened with this news. When I think what the family, espcieally what our ninang has to go through, I find them lucky. Of course we are still praying for the complete healing of Tito Nick, but then again, if it goes the other way, I find it consoling that at least they had the chance to spend more time together --QUALITY time together. I know that things change especially when something drastic, like sickness, happens to our loved ones. There is a radical change that happens not only with the sick person, but the people around him as well. I believe that if it happens to me (knock on wood) I will make sure that I will make the most of the time left. Make sure that each day is special not only for me but for my loved ones. Wounds can be healed, love deepened, faith strengthened. I always pray that if ever God takes me, I would not want it abruptly -- sudden. I just can't imagine the grief and the pain of those whom I will be leaving behind. But, does that mean, I want to experience the physical suffering of people who are sick, if it means I can spend more time with my family, my kids? Maybe. I don't know.

"At least he didn't have a hard time", is what they usually say when someone passes so suddenly -- not wanting their loved one to experience the pain and all. But if you were the one to leave, what would you choose? All I know is that at this point in my life, I'd still prefer to experience the pain and spend more time with my loved ones than to leave them unprepared.

Losing Your Own

Four of my couple friends just lost their little ones yesterday. It is probably one of the worst nightmares of any parent. One was lost even before his parents saw him (still in the early weeks of pregnancy) while the other one did not make it 6 days after being born pre-maturely.

I don't know how it feels. I don't want to pretend that I know because I have never been there, and I hope I won't ever be there. Friends have given their words of comfort and condolences but I know that no amount of comfort can probably take away the grief that these parents have now. Easier said than done.

The closest that I had to losing a loved one was a grandparent or a very good friend. It wasn't too hard for me to go back to "normal" after losing them. But what if it was my own? Can I bear it? I don't know. Only God knows.

Things happen for a reason. Maybe it wasn't meant to be yet for my friends. I would like to think that things will happen for them all in His perfect timing, the way things did for me.

Right now all I can do is let them be, let them mourn, let them feel the pain until they themselves have accepted what happened and have decided that they are ready to go back. Special angels are now watching them, praying for them, praying with them. Losing your own can probably the worst thing you would want. But we take refuge and comfort that when we do lose them, they join our Creator and are in a much happier place than us.

Counting my Blessings

I took a short break from writing because I found myself flooded with a lot of to-do lists and errands. It's a matter of choosing which comes first. Obviously, even if I love writing and sharing myself through my blogs, it has to, it had to take a back seat. It seems that it has been so long since I last wrote. A lot of things has happened already. I finally passed my driving test. I finally got my accreditation letters from NSW Institute of Teachers as well as in Catholic Education Office. Alvin and I have decided to enrol Liam on a child care every Mondays and Tuesdays just to prepare him in the event that I find a full-time teaching job. Liam has made a big progress in terms of increasing his vocabulary. We have started his weekly classes in Gymbaroo. The Math textbook I finished writing last March was published already. My family has been to two BESA gatherings in a span of one month. This is my last week to prepare for my IELTS exam scheduled next weekend. I am busy as a bee. My hands are always full. There is no dull moment at home. There is always something waiting to be done, be it the laundry, the clothes to be ironed, the home to be cleaned, the bin to be emptied, a new dish to be cooked.  Tiring. Yes. Definitely. But I am not complaining. Sometimes I am on the verge of complaining, I am after all human. But looking all of these things on the other end of the spectrum -- considering all of these as blessings -- gives a whole new meaning to it. I am counting my blessings. Rather than complaining I am actually thankful. First on my list is of course the gift of life. How many of us actually go to bed at night thinking that tomorrow will be just another day to do our usual routine? Of course, it all starts after waking up. That is if we wake up. Admittedly, many of us always take this reality for granted. Death is real. We won't know when our time is up. So I am thankful that I get to wake up each day to do a lot of things including the time I get to spend with my loved ones. Second is the gift of good health. This is another thing that is usually taken for granted. I am thankful because aside from being alive, I am physically fit to do the things I need and  want to do. Third, the material blessings that I get from His generosity. The financial provisions He continues to give me and my family,  allow us to have a home, dishes to cook,  food on our tables, clothes to wear, books to feed our brains, a car to drive and the means to travel. In short, we get to enjoy some luxuries every now and then. Winter is almost over and Spring is almost here. Time will fly again. The weekend is almost over and soon it'll be a start of another busy week. Another week of  to-do lists. Another week of errands. Another week of being thankful. Another week to count my blessings.