It was Monday this week when I started feeling this way -- it is chaotic at the home front. Reality bites. Reality has started to sink in and in a not so good way. Samantha had a 1st week check up with the GP today and after that Alvin and Liam has a dental appointment as well.While preparing the things at home, I felt I wasn't in control of the situation.
Prior to leaving the house, everything was just not like the way it used to! Everything now is times two! From the preps of the clothes to giving a bath, to taking care of the kids. It is now challenging for me to attend to the needs of both my kids. Much as I want to give in to Liam's requests every now and then I am a bit tied up with Sam (who I think still needs more attention now). It is a good thing that Alvin is at home to help out, and his parents as well. But is was chaotic (in my standards that is)! Gumugulo na ang bahay, kumukulit na si Liam, at nakikisawsaw pa ang mga requirements ko with the Certificate Course I am taking. Waaah! I have to stop at the middle of an errand because Liam wants me or Sam needs me. They need me everywhere! My multi-tasking skills are challenged! Ang haba na ng listahan ng gagawin bago pa kami umalis ng bahay! Liam's things, Liam should be put on his car seat, Sam's baby bag, then Sam's capsule! Ha! Alvin had to go back and forth inside the house for almost 3 times!
Minsan pag sumusobra na si Liam, I can't help but lose my temper. This is of course after trying all possible things already with him. Kung nakakapayat lang ang magsabi ng mga pang-uto sa bata, ang sexy sexy ko na! After spanking him or putting him in time out, of course I feel very guilty. Guilty because in general, Liam's adjustment and actions on the arrival of his baby sister is much, much better than what we have expected. More often than not, he is being makulit because he wants to take care of his baby sister. He showers her with kisses and wants to cuddle her all the time. One time, before dinner, he gladly volunteered to get Sam from me so I can have my dinner. We were thrilled when he said "Akin na, akin na" (referring to Sam). At bedtime, we tried sleeping altogether on just one bed, but all of us were miserable so we ended up putting Liam's bed in our room so he and Alvin can sleep there and Sam and myself can sleep at the bigger bed. But at night Liam wants to sleep on the bigger bed. Initially I thought it was because of me, but no, he wants to sleep on the bed where Sam is sleeping. He really loves her baby sister. It shows in his actions and how much he tells her so every single day.
But it is hard. There are days when I know he's deliberately doing something silly to attract attention, such as during meal times. It is hard on my part as a parent because he is now on that stage that we need to establish his habits. Example, he tends to go down the table and play around when we eat dinner (except when he really loves the food we have) so I have to address that or else, he might grow up having that bad habit. But most of the time, he is the one who already tells me that he needs me and that I need to spend time with him, without crying. But of course there are days that he does cry and my heart goes out for him. One time, when Alvin got Sam, he told me, "Mama, I want you. Liam time." Wow, my little boy reminding me that I also needed to spend time with him, just him.
At night, when both me and Alvin are up because Sam is up as well (that is from 1130 pm to around 3am) I tell him to pray for me. Why? Because I feel every now and then that my "nerbiyos" is coming back. The pessimist in me is trying to rule over my emotions. All sorts of things go inside my head and the degree of my worry is not healthy. Let's just say that from a scale of 1-10 my "nerbiyos" rate is now at 8. I worry if I can manage the two kids and the chores at home when Alvin gets back to work (he'll be out from 7 to 730pm on weekdays), I worry if I can handle when my in-laws go back to Manila already. I worry how I can let address Liam's needs as well now that Sam is here. Last night, Sam cannot sleep with her Papa and she was so restless so Alvin gave Sam to me. But at that time Liam was also trying to sleep and asked me to massage his foot or hold his hand. When I stopped massaging his foot to get Sam from his Papa, he cried. He cried big time! Even if Alvin got him to carry him and comfort him, he still wanted me. I felt so powerless. I worry endlessly and unlike before, this time, I worry and I feel scared.
Thinking about it, I have a choice, career-rin ko ang pagiging nanay at asawa or pabayaan ko na lang sila (meaning I will not address those silly things Liam does every now and then --playing while eating, eating fancy foods before a main meal, shouting when he want to play with someone, etc.) but I would like my children to grow up well. I want them to grow up having the correct habits and values that is why I am putting pressure on myself. I don't want them to grow up tamad (no initiative), makalat, burara. That is why I am teaching them now the value of doing chores at home, of cleaning and packing up. Of course, I still have to be their "first teacher" at home, teaching him academic skills, but at the same time, making them well-rounded individuals. I love them and I care that is why I would like to be in control of things for now.
Crunch time! This is reality! This is real parenting! I wonder how my parents managed before with all five of us. Right now I feel I need a good massage! And I think Alvin does as well. We have been sleep deprived since Sam's arrival, not to mention the fact that I have been recovering as well from my major operation. Lack of sleep and exhaustion has caught up with me because I have had migraine for two days now. I have a terrible backache and the discomforts of breastfeeding is there, ever present. My only consolation is when I tried my "normal" blouses and shirts, I can almost fit in them! Thanks to breastfeeding! I'm giving myself two more weeks and I'm sure I'll get my old size/figure back hahaha.
Two weeks (make that nine days!) is still a such short period of time, I know. That is why whenever I feel that I'm having a panic attack, I just remember to give myself and everyone else at home enough time, time to adjust. Maybe in a few months' time all will fall into place and things will go back to normal. We don't have a manual to follow so everything is taken as it is. Crunch time! Kaya ko pa naman, pero baka isang araw kunin ko na ang bato kay Ding, sabay sigaw ng "Darna"!
