A Greater Power

The last two weeks have been an emotional roller coaster ride for my family, especially the ones who are based in Manila.

I will not elaborate here but to make the long story short, it is one of the recent episodes of our family's telenovela (Which family does not have one?). Old wounds were opened. Madaming salita at banta na binitiwan na naman. Accusations were made. Service and our being christians were questioned. Hurt, mad and sad. Those are exactly the three words that can fully describe what probably my family, especially my parents felt when all these chaos were happening.

I was mad. I was mad at them. Ang sa akin lang, kami nga na 5 anak ng mga magulang namin never minura, binantaan or bingiyan ng malaking sakit ng ulo sila Papa at Mama, sila pa? We can counter each and every accusation they made at our family. We have a thousand and one proofs. We can engage in a word war with all of them. We can even think and wish bad things to happen to all of them. We can resort to being self-righteous. But no. We took everything...in silence.

All throughout those two weeks, we were in constant communication with our family in Manila. And in all of the exchange of emails to my parents, the only thing we kept on reminding each other especially my parents, hurting as they may seem, is to pray. Pray for them. Pray for ourselves. Pray for the situation.

I kept on reflecting the past couple of days on what His message is for us. The readings everyday really helped a lot. Like what I said earlier, we can fight, eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth...but we chose not to. I personally had to stop myself from thinking and wishing bad things to happen for them. If I catch myself slowly doing that I stop myself and pray. This I have to say: IT IS NOT EASY. I am but a human being. But by and by I'm getting the hang of it...only because of His grace. I realised that we survived, I survived those tempting times not by my own will and definitely NOT by my own doing...but by the grace of Someone greater. Someone more powerful. I needed that. It was only through that Greater Power that allowed me to convert my negative thoughts to more positive ones. To continue hoping for good things to happen.

I will not admit that I have forgotten everything that have just happened nor have I totally forgiven them. Malalim na ang sugat. I am still working on that. When all these dramas started I wished and hoped that something good will come out of this. I haven't fully realised it yet but I am still optimistic that soon, God will reveal all the answers to our "why's?" to my "why's?"

My family is still praying that in time there will be total healing and forgiveness in everyone involved. At this point it seems impossible. But who knows? With God nothing is impossible. After all, after everything that has been said and done, we are just living under His grace...may His will be done.

Respecting Their Feelings

Yesterday, after Sam's swimming lessons, I decided to go to the library which was in the same centre since I didn't have much to do back at home.

After five minutes and reading two books to Sam, I thought it was time to go. When I decided to go home, Sam was just starting to get interested. In other words, she felt she wanted to stay longer in the library to explore.

E makulit ang nanay. I was thinking I didn't bring my library card so no use staying. I carried her against her will. She didn't try but she was saying, "no, no, no Mama. Inside" while pointing to the library as we headed out to the parking lot.

When I put her on her car seat, dun na siya nag-wala. As in, she wasy crying the whole ten minutes from the place up until we reached home.

I didn't lose it, but I felt bad. Naalala ko yung isang article that I read in Attachment Parenting, about parents should learn how to respect their children's emotions.

Para sa atin kasing mga matatanda, since tayo ang matanda, dapat tayo ang masusunod. We forget about what our kids might have felt or might be feeling during the time of the ordeal. Believe it or not, there has been a big improvement when I learned and did the "giving time" approach to Liam. Seldom do I get mad now at Liam or seldom do we argue or him crying because I give him time to finish the activity he is involved with or he is stucked with. I give him allowance, I patiently wait for him to settle and when he is ready to move on. I read that it is one way of respecting them, and true enough, it worked.

So yesterday, I felt that I didn't do it with Sam. She wasn't ready yet. I should have let her stay and respected her time and emotions.

Tayo ngang mga matatanda ayaw ng naiistorbo pag may ginagawa, di ba? Our kids are no different. We just take them for granted because we think everything is okay. And we get mad when there is a violent reaction -- tantrums, etc., on their part. What we do not know is they can already feel different emotions di lang nila kaya pang sabihin ng derecho sa atin.

I promised myself to do better next time. I promised that like what I do with Liam, I will also be more sensible and respectful of the emotions of my little girl.

:D

A Good Cry

Ever experienced wanting to have a good cry for no reason at all?

I have these episodes every now and then and I all blame in on the hormones! I actually feel better after having that "good cry."

Last night, I found myself getting a bit emotional. Watching Yang and Owen (Grey's Anatomy) get hurt and try to resolve their indifferences made me a bit teary-eyed. Wala lang, I just feel for them. The point wherein you know that it's already (or nearing) the end. Time to face the monsters and to be true to one another, even if it hurts, BIG TIME. Kainis lang, bitin. Looking forward to watching the next episode :D

Next, the story of Tom and Lynette of Desperate Housewives. Last night's episode, Lynette finally signed their divorce papers, thinking that Tom has given up on them. The scene when she signed it, when she left Tom and cried herself out in the car. Hah! Seeing Tom not being sure if he really wants to end things with Lynette and what he said to his current girlfriend: "I will always take care of Lynette because she is the mother of my children (before walking out)" -- did it for me! I was crying last night! (I already know that they will eventually get back together, but I still allowed myself to emphatize with them during their "moments" last night.)

I am a sucker for happy endings. I can feel for the characters last night. I felt I was feeling their pain. I felt I was in their shoes! Kaloka ba? I just know that feeling and it sucks big time. Probably the reason why I cried? Maybe :p

I am just happy I had that chance to have another "good cry." It's liberating in a way hehehe :D

Me and My Emotions

This is not the best time to write about my emotions. For one, I am pregnant, which means that I am more emotional than the usual because all my hormones are acting up. Yes, I do find myself acting up as well. Easily crying over the simplest thing that makes me sad or upset. But I am trying to control my emotions not wanting my daughter to imbibe the negative feelings I have. As they say, it will be harder for me if she does come out and becomes cranky and emotional as well.

Well, last Sunday, through our community, there was a Women's forum that was organized for the wives and widows and the separated ones. It talked about the emotions of women and how to address it. It was good in a sense because it gave me ideas not only on how to control my emotions but how to address my emotions as well. It was also a blessing that during those days, I was reading the book Eat.Pray.Love and was actually on the part were she was trying to find balance in her life as well. I found the book interesting because I can very much relate to the author during those times that she tries to address her emotions and tries to make them settle. No, my life is not dramatic as hers (the author of the book) but I feel there were good points that were raised in the book that I can very much use in my life.

So now, I can say that I am a work in progress as regards to how I deal with my emotions. I already choose my battles and hopefully, whenever I find myself being emotional again, I can do the right approaches like what I have heard and read, and God-willing end up not really avoiding or repressing the emotion, but dealing with it the way it should have been dealt.