Breaking Free!

Finally. I consider myself a people-pleaser. Blame it on my experiences in elementary and in high-school. I usually find myself trying to please other people, especially those who seem to not like me, to the point of abusing myself, emotionally at that.

Looking at what we have now, I really don't know if I should still consider our relationship as friendship. Well, to start with, I knew and you knew that we will never be the best of friends, but in my heart I have hoped that we could be good friends. On my part, I tried my best to reach out, but it seems it hasn't been and will not be reciprocated.

Friendster. Facebook. Something that still keeps us connected. I tried to be happy with what you have now-- comments, "like" buttons, emails and chats...but it just puzzles me why, you don't seem to feel the same. I feel sad, disappointed most of the times seeing how you react with the others and not react with me. At one point I thought this was a sign of bitterness. I don't know.Maybe. But only you can answer that. It still puzzles me why you can't even push the "like" button for something beautiful that has happened in our lives. Over the pictures, the celebrations, the good news. None. Well, I thought that after the Christian link between our families have been made, we could be better friends. We get to chat every now and then and exchange mails as well. After the exchange of stories and letters I thought we're on our way to a better and lasting friendship. I actually look forward to sharing my dilemmas and motherhood journeys/stories with you because I know that you can share some and give me tips along the way. But I guess, I'm still that person you wouldn't want to be good friends with. So it just occured to me, why do I have to insist myself to you? Why do I have to do everything to please you? Why do I have to make our relationship a real friendship? I feel that I have taken the extra mile. I did my share. Maybe it wasn't meant to be. Maybe it's time for me to break free. And I did. Now, I feel lighter and happier. I actually feel good about doing it. I finally made sure that I was being true to myself. Now, I am free.

Missing My Girlfriends :(

I am a talker. If something bothers me, or frustrates me, or makes me angry, I talk. And the more I talk, the easier it becomes for me. My emotions become more stable. I become more sensible. I become human again.

Right now, I terribly miss my girfriends. Let's just say that I really can't write the whole story here because it is a bit sensitive but to give a bird's eye view, I am in a position that I really don't like. My patience is tested and so is my being Christian. Day in and day out I have to struggle. I have to think of happy thoughts everytime just as so the baby inside my tummy will not imbibe the feelings or emotions that I have now inside me. I don't like to stare at these people because it stirs my emotions again. It all boils down to the fact that we have different personalities and practices. Sadly, I really can't avoid the situation I am in.

This is why I miss my girlfriends. I miss them because I can't tell my entire story here. I miss them because with them, I will get to share my dilemma up to the very last detail. I miss them because I know that as I share my story with them, I'd be laughing my heart out along the way. They'd share it with me, agree with me and give me tips at the end. I miss their company over a cup of coffee or a cup of tea or over dessert. I miss seeing them and I really miss talking to them.

If it is only possible to gather all of them in a snap of a finger, I'd have done sooner...and more frequently...especially now. If only it was possible.

Christmas in August!

Yes, I know, we still haven't reached the "ber" months, which for most Filipinos signals the start of the Christmas season, but for me, preparations for Christmas has begun already!

I am due to give birth end of November and since I'm under the C-section, I don't expect that I would be physically capable of doing the Christmas shopping when December comes. And besides, I hate cramming. So as early as now, I have started with my Christmas shopping. I have my Christmas list and it is updated everytime I get to buy a present for somebody. This year the list became a bit longer as our circle of friends based in Australia also grew. In the same manner, we plan to send some simple gifts to our families and godchildren who are based in Manila. Doing my Christmas shopping this early, I think, is financially rewarding, because I get to see and purchase good gifts which are on sale, which in effect allows me to save. It also allows me to choose the perfect gift for the friend, godchild, or family member, without the time pressure. I'm pretty sure I'd end up giving generic items if I start shopping by October or November. For this, I hope that the recipients of our gifts would be happy of our presents as they were carefully chosen. Next, I get to go and comapre and shop among different shops. I'm not limited to the shops around Western Sydney, which I think is another plus for me.

I have also given my hubby his Christmas present, a GPS, which he thinks would be useful when we go out on long drives. Well, he asked me if he can have his Christmas present in advance. I gave in becuase there was actually a ale on GPS last last weekend. But aside from this, I also plan to give him an RC Helicopter which I know he'll love playing with our son Liam. I'm done with Liam's gift as well, a Piano toy and for his birthday, tickets for the Wiggles concert in December.

Now, I still have a lot of people on my list, but I already have an idea what to give them. I just need to go to this shop and majority of them will be gone from the list already. The harder part is finding the right present for my immediate family.

So there, that is how I have started my CHristmas 2010 preparations and I just can't wait to finish shopping for all my loved ones!

Baby Sam

My best friend told me once that I should be extra careful of the things I tend to splurge on for Liam, because, if in the future I have another child, I should make it a point to also do the things I did for Liam. The reason? To avoid unnecessary comparisons and sibling rivalry. I kept that in mind. But needless to say, I still sometimes overspend for Liam, thinking that I will just have another child in the future and doing everything again would not be that difficult.

Well, fast forward, after 2 years and 7 months, Liam is about to become a Big Kuya to his baby sister, Andrea Samantha, or Sam for short. We are thrilled to know that we are having a baby girl in a matter of 3 months. We're praying that all will be well until we finally see her come November. As I prepare for her arrival, I try to recall everything, every little thing that I did with Liam. I decided that maybe when I put it in writing, it will be much easier to remember it when the time comes.

But first, I would like to thank Baby Sam for being a good baby. Though I had a terrible first trimester (just like with Liam then), the past 3 months have been a smooth ride. She hasn't given me any problems considering the physical load I have to do almost everyday. From the surprise party for her Papa up to now that I do my daily grind of house chores and extra errands/driving for family, she has always cooperated. FOr that I am very thankful for her. Though I know that in a matter of weeks, I should slow down already and physically prepare myself for her arrival.

Now back to the things I will have to do with her as well. The big projects include: having a baptismal party, having a grand 1st birthday party, coffee table book for her 1st birthday, having a simple 2nd birthday party, enrolling her to Gymbaroo, enrolling her to Kindermusik, and enrolling her to swimming lessons. Oh I almost forgot, breastfeeding her as well unti she turns 2! The photo sessions during the third month, 12 month, and 24th month. The monthly mini-birthday celebrations from the first month up to the 12th month. Maybe, just maybe, I will have to enroll her as well to dance lessons when she's a bit older, like our plan to enroll Liam on another sport (Tennis) as soon as he turns 3. Now for the smaller projects, we'll make it a yearly family bonding to watch a kid's concert (like Thomas the Train and Wiggles) and of course, splurging (a little, promise) on the clothes. I feel guilty (really? hehehe) everytime I see how much I have invested on Liam's branded clothes. Oh well, I'm having a girl this time so I'm pretty sure, I'd spend as well. Of course, spending on books and a little on toys as well will be part of the small projects.

We already did something for her recently, which we also did with LIam. That is to have a video of the ultrasounds that we had with the doctor. The only difference now is Sam's pictures are in 3D and her video is now on DVD while Liam's were on 2D scan only and was recorded on a VHS :) Can't blam that on us, blame it on technology hehe.

There you go, so far that is what I can all remember I'm pretty sure in the coming weeks I'll remember more. But for now, I'll just enjoy the days and the weeks that she is still inside me, sharing every emotion and everything that I experience. I love you Baby Sam and I can't wait to see you!

50-50

Liam, my little boy is fast growing up. Nowadays, when we tell him he's a good boy, he corrects us and tells us "No, I'm a big Kuya." Well, we're glad he's already aware that another one is on the way. I just hope that when Sam does come out already, he won't be having a hard time adjusting to the changes.

When couples start to have kids sometimes their kids are branded as either "Little Papa" or "Little Mama". For Liam's case, I really can't say he's a little Jeana nor is he a Little Alvin. He is a mixture of the two us, and I can say, the mixture of our best, not so good and funny traits at that!

For one, he is not entirely a carbon coby of his Papa or his Mama. Many think that I look like him, while others think, he looks like more his Papa. Personally, I think he got most of his facial features from his Papa, but the eyes are from me. Well, happy to have contributed something for him.

Next, on our traits. I already wrote about how I sometimes see myself in him, especially his tendency not to be settled until somethings are back in place. Like a door left open, a drawer of a cabinet left open. He'll really go out of his way to close it and fix it. Packing away as well is one trait he got from me. Thank goodness! Now, he also got his talkativeness from me and his being "masungit" at times, especially after waking up. You need to know the right way and the right time to start his day right. Liam also does not like eating "pangat" meaning "pangatlong ulit na" hehehe that is very me as well. He doesn't drink fresh milk too, which is very me.

Now, I think he got his intelligence from his Papa, which I admit, is something I have prayed for. Yes, I also did good on my studies, but I think it was more of the fact that I was a hardworking and diligent student than a naturally intelligent person, unlike Alvin. His love for music and the arts, he got from his Papa as well. His very good fine motor skills and not so good gross motor skills are courtesy of his Papa as well. His love for juices, chocolates and yogurts are Papa traits. He definitely has a sweet tooth!

Before we even got married, Alvin has always been the "taga-ubos" or "taga-simot" of the melted ice-cream or sundae we usually order for dessert. But one happy Sunday we were amazed and we just can't help smiling (or was it laughing?) when we saw LIam doing exactly that with his chocolate sundae from Hungry Jacks. Alvin was actually telling him to give the cup already so he can "simot" it but Liam didn't. He did it by himself. Ate all up to the very last drop. So, sorry Papa.

There are still a lot of Mama traits and Papa traits that we see in him every now and then. I can't write all of it but I'm happy to write some of it. Knowing that soon this will make me smile as I go down memory lane and reminisce how he was when he was a still a small boy.

As for our new baby, I will have to wait and see if like his Kuya Liam, she is a 50-50.

The Gift of Now

Last Friday, in our weekly household prayer meeting, our household head shared a very nice article of Bo Sanchez. It basically talks about the Gift of Now. Not worrying about the future and not fretting about the past and just enjoying the now.

The past couple of weeks I have been very busy tending to my duties and responsibilities at home. I was a mum to three kids, my niece and my nephew being with me most of the time since their Papa was in the US, then in London for work matters. That made my hands full. Very full. Not to mention that I am already five and a half months on my second (and last) pregnancy. I felt that I was slowly becoming a bit domesticated. I can't believe that I am what I am now considering that a couple of years ago I told my friends that I never see myself just staying at home. Especially after working very hard for my studies and my Masters. Well, God has different ways of teaching us valuable lessons.

Now, back to the gift of now. It has been lingering a couple of weeks now and I felt that the meeting we had last Friday was the climax of it all. A few days ago my friend's entire family met a horrible accident in Manila. As they have described it, it is a miracle that all of them are still alive. My sister-in-law also shared some stories of how her friend's daughter suffered from tuberculosis of the bones at such an early age (she's still in college) and how her niece, who is just 13 years old, died of dengue! In our short talk, we just came into conclusion that we really never know when our time is up. That in a snap of a finger we can all die. So my thirst to enjoy the "now" became more serious.

At present, I am torn. Half of me wants to enjoy the "now" but part of me also wants to prepare for the future. I want to spend more time at home, more time to travel, more time to spend with my family back in Manila, with my parents. But at the back of my mind, the bills, the expenses, the to-buy lists are ringing. I guess at this stage in our family life, we are still in the process of working our way to a more stable future for our children. And the two just contradicts one another. The past weeks I have been turning down calls for casual work and I am happy with my decision, but I know that I can't turn down all the calls everytime. Sooner or later I will have to work. So does that mean, there goes the gift of now? I don't know. At the back of my mind I don't want to worry anymore because I know (and He has proven it to me a GAZILLION times) that God will provide. But I am only human and worry sometimes catch up with me. So I still don't know.

Alvin shared a story which convinced me some more to enjoy the "now". It was a story which was shared by one of his officemates, apparently, when his kid was stil growing up, he spent too much time working, prompting his son to email him a letter with a subject: To the Dad that I never see. That was his wake-up call. I'd dread that day if and when one of my children will write a letter to me with that heading. But as I've mentioned earlier. I am torn, we are torn. It's hard to really enjoy the now, in the fullest sense and the way we want to enjoy it without me or my husband thinking about the future. All we can do now is to try to make the most of what we have now. Enjoying some of life's simple pleasures and simple luxuries every now and then, as life presents it to us, one at a time. I would love to enjoy my gift of now...if only it was that easy.

I'm Back!

I can't believe that it's been weeks...almost two months since I last wrote a blog! Can you blame me? No, blame it all on the hormones! Yes, I initially thought that this pregnancy would be totally different from my first one. As they say, each pregnancy is different. I kept a positive attitude about it and tried hard to remain happy. But the hormones are just so stubborn! Come my 5th week, it slowly caused havoc in my life! The past weeks has just been chaotic! Hard and terrible. Routines changes, activities changed, diets changed. Everything changed. Well,except for the fact that I am still heavy with my second child. On my 8th week, I thought I already had enough, but not, all the discomforts peaked up until my 11th week! Can't eat well. I was eating the bad foods and drinking the bad drinks (in moderation) or else I'd die of starvation. I lost weight. I didn't get to drink the vitamins I needed to drink because I just end up throwing up. Goodness, how did I survive all those days?

I survived because I have a very loving and caring husband who took the role of both the Dad and Mum of the household. When he comes home from work, he is in charge of everything! From the cooking to the cleaning to taking care of my little one, who is not so little anymore. And what about the time he is at work? Well, I have to thank my parents (who by God's grace was here in Sydney for a vacation during the past two months) who helped me with everything.

I am now on my 14th week and there are still days that I feel the bug and all the discomforts again, especially at night. But I think I'm on my way to recovery. I see myself doing some of the usual stuff every now and then...I get to work twice or thrice a week...do some household chores, eat (but this is still a challenge for me though), play with my son, do some things on my own. Slowly, I'm becoming normal again. Thank God. Now, I will try to enjoy this second trimester and not think of all the discomforts the third trimester might bring. Hopefully, in the coming days, I can finally and truly say, I'm back!