"Bato-bato sa langit ang tamaan huwag magalit"
I have recently, well I am still, experiencing some struggles the past few weeks. Well, to be honest, I feel it has started when I decided to be involved in our CFC service. Like what I mentioned, I am struggling to win this battle.
The last thing that I would want is to sound and be a self-righteous person. Pardon me and sorry in advance if I may sound and look like one, with what I am about to write. This is not for the faint-hearted.
I just can't understand when:
people can leave their kids with friends or relatives on any time of the day so they can go to shops, watch movies, or go on long drives and yet give an excuse of "sorry we can't go because we can't leave the kids" when it's time to serve or go to prayer meetings
people says "yes" to a commitment, but come "battle" time, they are no-where to be found, again giving excuses
people who I expect to be (and who should be) in gatherings are not there
people who don't show up in service or gatherings, giving a "valid" excuse, only and sadly, I found out thru their status updates on social networking sites that they were some place else, which actually refutes their supposedly "valid" excuse
Am I already sounding like a self-righteous individual?
Sorry. I had to let it out. The steam inside is making me nuts.
Why is it an inner battle? Because I know that the "other side" is again at work. Working on my most vulnerable side.
It is an inner battle because I do get to reflect and ask myself why am I starting to sound and act like I'm sour-graping? Is it really because I am concerned about "their service" or is it because I am jealous because they can do it and I can't.
Truthfully, I think it is the latter.
I grew up and my parents brought me up believing that every good thing comes from HIM. That we should always pray so that we can continue to receive blessings. And because that was instilled in me, I grew up believing that if I stop praying, I miss going to church every week, I don't serve Him properly, and I stop serving Him, all good things and all blessings will stop coming.
Is this a reflection of how shallow my faith is?
But it makes me ask: how come these people are still blessed with so much even if they amiss their Christian duties? Well, I shouldn't be surprised I tell myself because if they have lived their life being okay with not going to church weekly for months (or probably even years) what is giving up weekly prayer meetings and not showing up on gatherings, right?
Again, sorry if I am sounding like a self-righteous individual.
Now I am asking myself: If I do the things that they do, "rebel" in some way, will God really stop giving me and my family blessings?
Uh-oh. Now I sound like I am challenging God.
Sorry Lord.
So where am I up to? Where am I headed?
Actually, on my reflections in trying to overcome and win this "inner battle" I have come to some realizations, only I need time to absorb them. What are these realizations? Here:
I should address the real reason why I go nuts and ballistic when I don't see the faces of people I expect to be in gatherings or see how people "serve" and respond to their "commitment." I am jealous because I feel I can't do it without me fearing the consequences I might get if I do
their service and my service are truly personal. I shouldn't question their actions because at the end of the day, they are not accountable to me, it will be between Him and them and in the same way that it is between Him and me
I should put into action what keeping the faith is all about. Right now, with what I have just wrote, it reflects how shallow my faith is. I should work on myself to having more faith. Work on it without comparing it with how others are doing it. Not to be a self-reighteous person, which what I sound and act like now.
Keep in mind this thought that has kept me sane for years now, hearing it the first time when I was still in Youth for Christ: "I don't care if you're holier than me, as long as I should be holy as I should be."
Again, SORRY if I sounded like an A**H*** while I wrote everything that has been bugging me the past few weeks. I needed to write it. Writing makes it different, I actually feel better now, and it makes my resolutions more concrete.
Now, I ask for grace so I can fully live it. I humbly pray for grace so I can overcome and win this inner battle. I humbly ask for you to help me pray for myself so I can win this inner battle.
(And as if by some stroke of fate, two days after I wrote this, I got to read a blog by Bo Sanchez. The title alone uplifted my spirit and empowered me. I know I will win this battle.)
